Reading and writing and rambling

Hello everyone! I’m back, and man it’s been a while. You see, I promised myself that I would never be one of those people who would stop blogging for weeks on end and then apologize for it constantly. Even if I did not post regularly, I would just forget the formalities and jump right in. Nowadays, I am always getting little bursts of inspiration for blog posts, or story prompts, or ideas of things to talk about. They run their course in my head and then I never write them down. I am feeling pretty guilty right about now because of all of the thoughts floating around my head that I could have made some sense of and organized within my mind. So I decided to just sit down and write. Whatever come to my mind I’m typing and all of the nonsense I will edit out later.

A fact you may or may not know about me is that I want to be a writer. For as long as I can remember, that is one of the only things that has felt right. I have played around with the idea of journalism, screenwriting, being an author, being a professor, and everything in between and I am keeping all of those options open. I am one of those people who is okay not having a specific end goal in mind. Obviously I know I want to go to school and study English and that I would like to see myself in one of the professions listed above, but I am staying open minded about my future. I know girls who are so set on becoming doctors that they have not really given any thought to anything else. And for most people, having a definitive idea of what they want to do is reassuring for they know what they are working towards. But for me, I feel as if it is not the smartest route to follow because of all the doors you are potentially closing due to your close-mindedness. Once again, I am just trying to make my way through this world as much as you are, and I honestly know nothing about life. For being someone who outwardly looks like I’ve got it all together, I feel like a mess all the time. I know I have a little over a year before I have to start seriously thinking about university, but it is one of the many dark clouds looming over me at all times.

One of my biggest fears (besides the whole living by myself and having double the responsibilities thing) is that I am actually not good enough to do what I want to do. I fell in love with writing in grade nine when we started writing essays. I don’t know what it was exactly, but I instantly was drawn in to the formulaic five paragraph style and thesis writing that is literary essays. My favourite one was on the use of metaphors in John Green’s Paper Towns. I wrote this elective essay for fun about how strings, grass and vessels played an important metaphorical and literal role in the story. Six pages later, I was absolutely hooked. I handed it in to my teacher the next day and got it back at the end of the class. There was no pen marks except for at the top where a neat 100 was written. My teacher (who is still one of my favourites to this day) handed it back and simply said “that was beautiful”. His comment made my day and really gave me the confidence that what I had voluntarily written was actually not bad. This essay, although not the greatest (I reread it a while ago…yikes) is the namesake of my MacBook, Margo, and really what I credit my love of writing to. I have written several papers, essays, and assignments that I am prouder of since then, but this one will always have a place in my heart.

Now besides homework, this blog is the only place where I write recreationally. My school does not have a newspaper, but it does have a writing competition that I have always been too scared to enter. I grapple with the dilemma of wanting to become a better writer and putting myself out there, but never knowing what to write about. I know that I want to write a book someday, and I have several ideas but none that I have ever started. I can justify not writing it due to laziness or a lack of time, but in all honesty I know that I am not ready to write IT yet. I have thought about writing down the short stories that come to my mind and publishing them on Wattpad, but I have never just sat down and done it. Next semester I have my accelerated English class that I am looking forward to, as well as my yearbook course that will hopefully give me some insight about editing, publishing, and journalism. Next year, I have taken on top of accel. English, writer’s craft and literature which I am insanely excited about. As a part of my new year’s resolutions, I want to blog more and sign up for my school’s writing contest. I need to know if my presumed natural talent in writing is what I think it can become.

A couple of you who have been amazing enough to comment on my posts have said that I was a good writer. Those little comments mean the world to me, and regardless of what people say, sometimes feedback on social media can be really helpful to one’s self-esteem. I’d like to ask if any of you feel the same as I do. Do you want to write? Do you write? If so, do you have any suggestions for me? Tips, ideas about getting my stuff out there, places or people to write for, anything! I would be beyond grateful for any help.

As for reading, I have been in a pretty rough reading slump for about a month and a half now and it is slowly eating me up inside. After I finished reading Harry Potter in the summer (as I do every year), I have found it really hard to really get into something and want to read. I’m about a chapter away from finishing Alexandra Bracken’s book Never Fade, the sequel to The Darkest Minds. I really enjoyed TDM, but I’m finding it really hard to commit myself to Never Fade. I have to admit that I have been pretty swamped with school, and the only time I have to read is on my thirty minute long bus ride to and from school. When I get home, all I want is the mind-numbingness of Netflix to relax with (BTW, you all NEED to watch The Crown on Netflix it’s fantastic). I don’t think I will read the third book in TDM trilogy, but I might start on some classics seeing as though there is nothing that is really sparking an interest for me right now. I’m approximately 30 pages into Pride and Prejudice and after watching the movie I am pretty obsessed. Any-who, I will give it a try and see how it goes. If any of you have book suggestions I am gladly taking them!

Other than that, my life has been good. Besides hating my French teacher will every fibre of my being, I still love school and it is going well. On an exciting note, my sister and I learnt that we are getting Hamilton tickets for Christmas! We are over the moon excited even though we have to wait until August to see it. Also, Friday was the Gilmore Girls Netflix revival and all I can say is OMG. If you’ve seen GG, I am essentially the exact same person as Rory Gilmore, we even look alike and my mom was going to name me Rory (short for Aurora). The show means a ton to me and I was more excited for this than I am for Christmas. The revival was 6 hours of nervousness, happiness and love for my favourite TV show of all time. If you have not watched it, you should check it out!

Well, I guess that’s it. I hope you made it though my super rambly post easily. I love writing on this blog and I am going to make an effort to do so as much as I possibly can. If you have any comments, please please tell me, as you know it means a lot.

Ta-ta for now,

NiceGirl

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What have I done?!

Happy fall! I have been meaning to update, but you know…school. I am honestly at the mercy of the assignments (there are more of them than there are of me)! About a month ago, I wrote this little snippet on the bus after school, and figured I might as well post it, then give you all an updated version, seeing as though my point of view has slightly changed. Here it is!

So, for those of you who follow my blog, you may have guessed that I am not either a) spontaneous, b) adventurous or c) fond of hanging out with people I don’t know very well. Well, the other in my politics class, one of my old teachers and the head of students council asked me if I wanted to go to a leadership conference with them in November. Dumbfounded, by being approached and offered, I immediately said sure. Why???? (we may never know) She gave me a permission slip and I took it home. That night, after the form had been signed and the cheque had been written, I started to freak out and contemplate everything. Firstly, none of my friends are going. Obviously I know the majority of the kids going because we were all in the same class last year, and some I do genuinely like, but it is really awkward from my perspective because we never hangout. Now, I feel like I’m going to have to force myself into their friend groups or just be alone. This whole ordeal is bringing back terrible memories from my grade seven and eight class trips. In grade seven, I was completely excluded from the other girls and was too shy and self conscious to not care. Instead of making my own fun, or just assuming that everyone there already liked me (they probably did), I was miserable. Because of this, I did not go on my grade eight trip. I ranted for about 25 minutes to my mom, who agreed with me on several points but then ultimately asked me “do you want to go?” And my initial answer was yes. You see, I was not able to go on this trip last year because I had a cheerleading showcase and could not miss the three days of school. The conference seems amazing and I really like trips like this. This conference is essentially a redo. A large handful of the same kids will be there and I am closer to them and more comfortable being myself around people I “put on pedestals”. I’m defiantly going (we’ve already paid), but I’m really anxious. All and all, I am not sure if I’m more nervous or excited about this trip.

Flash forward to today;

The leadership conference trip is two weeks away and I have decided, that despite my little insecurities, I am excited and really looking forward to going. We found out our rooms, and  I was not placed with anyone I was afraid of or hated (win!) but I was not placed with anyone I knew all that well. The one girl is someone I’ve known since kindergarten. We never really got along as kids, but ever since grade six, we have been absolutely civil. She is also really good at singing, so it’s probably good to be nice to her now if she ever becomes famous! No really, she is very nice and all is good. The other girl is someone I met last year. She was in my law class and is now in my math class. We don’t necessarily have much in common, but she is always nice to me. The other day in math, she leaned over and told me how excited she was to be in my room and to go to the conference with me. That was like, one of the best (and most surprising) feelings ever. It never really registered to me that someone who I wasn’t close with would look forward to hanging out with me. Anyways, she asked me if I would stick with her and I joyfully said yes.

I know that there will be moments on this trip where I feel really uncomfortable, but I’m looking at it as a chance to get to know more people and be more outgoing. These people are not scary and not better than me, and for the most part, they probably really like me. I’m really glad I took this risk (well, can you really call this a risk?), because it will make me stronger, braver and more confident. Well, thats all for my little rambles. I promise I will write a post after the trip (it’s three days so I will have a lot to write about!). And for all of you who feel really insecure and shy with people more outgoing and outwardly popular than you, I’m just the same. But don’t let that stop you from doing things that you think will make you happy. Man, now I sound like one of those cheesy quotes my mom sends me!

Do something brave.

Love, NiceGirl