Do you ever look at someone and say to yourself “they are so much better than me” just by looking at them or being around them for a while? Well, I have this problem. Offline, I am not a very self-confident person and I have this habit of putting people up on tall pedestals and diminishing my own self worth to practically dust. This does not help very much in the confidence department, as you may have guessed. This happens for people I see on the internet, people at my school, my friends, and I do have to admit my younger sister.
I have this thing where I second guess and doubt every single one of my choices. Not major choices, but trivial ones like picking a backpack or a computer or clothes. On several occasions, I have fallen in love with something (weather it be a purchase or an outfit or even the way I take notes at school) and the second I see someone else do it differently, I automatically assume that the way they do it is better. I then feel stupid and crappy because “I can’t do anything right, they are a better person than me so obviously their way is better”. Proceeding those thoughts, I ask my mom over and over again for reassurance until the point where she is annoyed and I feel slightly better.
This weekend, I felt like everyone around me was 50 feet up in the air or the social plateau and I was left on the ground. My sister had a friend staying with us for 2 nights while her parents were away, and I have never felt like this girl has liked me much. That shouldn’t matter right? She is 2 years younger than me and I am just her friends (cool? pretty? smart? fun?) older sister. I am no mind reader, so what do I know right? But, in true me fashion, I tried to impress her none of the less. I don’t think it did anything to help my case. This past weekend, my sister got a MacBook. I got one 2 years ago. Hers is newer than mine. I still strongly believe my computer is better. I still second guessed my decision and regretted it and felt sub-par. Same goes with her backpack. Ours are the same brand. I got mine first. I chose the one I liked the best. My sister and her friend have the same one. The same one as a lot of kids at my school. Once again, I had several moments of “maybe I should have gotten that one, it’s better. Why do I always pick the wrong things?”. It was mentally exhausting.
Sitting at home now with all of my new back to school clothes and school supplies, I love it all. I wouldn’t have bought it otherwise. But, I am terrified that when I get to school, a more confident person than I will have something different and I will automatically assume that they made the right choice and are one hundred percent better than me. I then deem myself a second-rate citizen and their pedestals rise up a few more feet.
I know that the solution to this is to just BE confident in my decisions, because odds are, there is probably a large handful of people who think what I do is perfect and try to act like me (seems impossible, but it’s true). I need to learn to be happy with my choices because they make me, me and not some carbon copy of every slightly popular or different girl at school. I am not a trendsetter, but I certainly don’t want to be a follower. My style is very different from what is “in” (think early, preppy Abercrombie and Fitch) and I have told myself that I am just going to embrace it and be myself. The people who are worth hanging around are the people who accept you with all your quirks and eccentricities. It is no use trying to be someone else to impress someone. Sometimes I need to take my own advice.
Confidence is a huge part of all this. If I had more confidence then I would probably find it easier to make more friends. I am 16 years old and I still haven’t gotten the hang of it. I know that when I find friends who I can be myself around, I will have less time to worry and stress and over-analyze every decision that I make. Or, they will find it completely adorable and not crazy or depressing and will help me realize that it is not worth wasting time over.
Anyways, that was my little rant/ramble/deep chat about my feelings. Although I did not want my blog turning into therapy sessions, I do feel better once I got it all out. You guys tell me, am I crazy? Or do other people feel this way sometimes?
You keep doing you!!! (I mean that in the best way possible. If you are reading this, I already think you are amazing. And pretty!)
Until we chat again,